We carry those we lose with us our entire lives. They stay with us like a chain hanging around our necks, shackled together with a feeling of responsibility and unanswered questions. They linger in our thoughts and they cripple us with their absence. But we can’t be held down by them forever. They’re with us, but instead of carrying them, we have to learn to let them walk beside us, otherwise, one day, they’ll only drag us down low enough to make us want to join them.
What? Just be friends? Just be friends with you? After everything, everything we’ve fucking been through? You lead me on for months and now you just want to be friends. I told my fucking parents about you. My friends ask about you all the time. I think about you all the time. I’ve thought about what our future would be like together, where we’d get married, if we’d get married, what our kids would be like, where we would live. Sometimes I start conversations purposely so someone will mention you, just so I can talk about. I have pictures of you up on my wall. I have pictures of us up on my wall. Every time I think about seeing you my heart pounds so hard I think it might actually break out of my chest. When I’m somewhere I think you might be I look for you everywhere. I make up excuses to walk into where you work on the off chance you’re in. And when you are I buy things I don’t need. I wait up online for you to sign in. You’ve been to my house. When you touch me my knees get so weak I can barely support myself. After everything you’ve told me, everything you’ve said, everything you made me feel for you, everything you made me believe, now you just want to be friends? It’s really that easy for you, that after everything, you just want to be friends with me? No. no that is not fucking cool. It isn’t.
Like sunshine and starlight, she shone. And he swore that if he stared at her long enough, he would go blind. But he knew she could not see what he saw. He knew that when she gazed briefly into the bathroom mirror, or accidentally made eye contact with her own reflection while rushing past a particularly clean shop window, that all she saw was darkness. All she saw were the broken shards of herself, dancing around and cutting her up from the inside, mocking her. She saw a body filled with shadows, a caged monster trying to claw it’s way out of captivity, getting closer and closer to achieving its freedom every passing minute of the day. Where he saw Heaven, she saw Hell.
He looked at me and smiled, but I saw a touch of sadness hidden in his eyes.
“What’s the matter?” I asked him, and after a while he replied:
“Sometimes, I wish I could make you laugh as much as the others do.”
I thought about this for a minute, then I took his hand and I told him;
“All my life people have made me laugh. I laugh so easily, I pretty much laugh at everything. Laughing has never been hard for me. To me, laughter is like breathing. But do you know what I’ve never found easy? Love. Loving, and being loved, is something I’ve always found extremely hard to do. All my life it’s been a struggle for me to love. But you, you’ve changed that for me. Because of you, I love as easily as I laugh. So all those people in my life who have made me laugh, they have given me silver. But you, because you helped me love, you have given me gold.”
So I decided to start a blog. Technically I should say I decided to start another blog seeing as this has to be at least my 15th attempt at doing so across my entire lifetime. Not to say that all past 15 attempts were complete and utter failures. I can say with confidence a good solid 3 of those blogs I still continue with today, sort of.
Anyway I decided to start this particular blog because I miss writing. I miss writing, and I am also trying to prolong going to sleep for as long as possible. It’s currently 3:13am on December 3rd in Orlando Florida, the place I’m basically chained down to until August 2014, but more about that later.
But why would one want to prolong something as glorious as sleep? Well it’s not exactly the sleep part I’m trying to avoid, it’s the dreaming that usually comes along with the sleep part. You see, lately I’ve been starring in this long winded, recurring dream involving me, two others I don’t quite recognise but I’m pretty sure it’s two men, a killer whale and a machete. Quite the cast right? So the two most vivid parts of this dream is always the following; first, I’m swimming in a pool when all of a sudden a killer whale appears and attempts to swallow me whole numerous times (very stressful situation to be in if you’ve never experienced it yourself), and second I’m being held down onto a slab by two men (again, stressful) yet also trying to hack them to pieces with a machete all the while thinking “I am definitely going to be late for work.”. Now don’t get me wrong, I get a good few swings in, these guys are bleeding badly yet still seem to remain unaffected, even when I try sawing the guy on the rights arm off like a branch they just continue to laugh and pin me down, covered in blood.
This is not the worst dream I have ever encountered, not by a long shot. But it is one that has stressed me out more than any I can remember in a long time. I’ve always had an interest in dream analysis, so much so that I took it as part of a psychology module during sixth form way back when, possibly one of the most fascinating things I’ve ever studied. Fascinating, yet a complete pain in the arse. The thing is, once you learn something like that, like how to analyse the specific details in dreams, you can’t stop doing it. Like ever.
Not that you need an A level in Psychology to know that constantly dreaming about hacking someone to pieces probably isn’t the healthiest thing on the planet, but what about killer whales? Surely dreaming of a creature so majestic and intelligent can only be a positive thing. Well, yeah, mostly, it is. But as with a lot of things when it comes to the world of dreaming, the meaning behind the appearance of a killer whale within a dream depends on the actual tone of the dream and the role the killer whale played as part of it. So basically if I had dreamt that I was floating around peacefully in a small boat and a bunch of killer whales were swimming around me calmly splashing around and having a few laughs, the dream would represent something along the lines of my optimistic outlook on life, my high emotional intelligence, the playfulness of my personality and reaching a personal peak of wisdom. But of course, I didn’t dream of that at all, I dreamt a killer whale was trying to swallow me whole, repeatedly. Taking into account the wild and unpredictable nature of killer whales, also the fact that the name orca (a secondary name for killer whales for those of you who aren’t in the know) originates from the Latin genus term ‘Orcinus’, essentially meaning “of the kingdom of the dead” (delightful, right?) this is not something you want to find yourself dreaming about. Especially not 7 nights in a row.
Killer whales appearing in a dream so negatively is basically your subconscious going “You’re f*cked.”, or to put it more professionally, you’re in a dangerous emotional state right now and/or there are problems that are being caused because of your emotional state right now. All really fun stuff to learn while you’re trying to get a peaceful nights sleep. But wait! It gets better! Lest we forget on top of the killer whale trying to make me their entree, I also dreamt I was trying to hack somebodies arm off, hurray for me.
Unlike the killer whale fiasco, seeing yourself stab somebody in a dream is pretty straight forward, although not quite as straightforward as actually wanting to stab them in real life. It also very much so depends on the angle you view it from in the dream. For example, if I had been watching myself stab somebody, it would usually mean strong feelings of competitiveness towards said person. Irrelevant, though, as this was not the case. I was actually seeing all this from my own point of view. So what could that possibly mean?
Malicious thoughts towards whoever you’re stabbing. That is basically it. Malicious, angry thoughts that you try and work out via hacking that person limb from limb. It also represents feelings of betrayal and disappointment, so you’re subconsciously trying to get back at the person who let you down. Having done a fair bit of personal reflection these past couple of weeks, this is a fairly appropriate suggestion. However, it is also noted that these interpretations only really apply if you recognise the people you are trying to cut down, and as I stated before, I don’t, I just know that they were two men. And if I think about it hard enough, one was wearing a blue shirt. Well, blue and blood splattered. Always a great look.
So, what? Do I feel betrayed by men in general and the only I feel I can get my own back is to slaughter them all, one lying bastard at a time? Hardly. Me and men are on pretty good terms at the moment, generally speaking. The aspect to focus on here is the whole “being pinned down” issue. The way I see it is that during my first couple of months on this program I’ve felt held back from certain things, for certain reasons, whether it be by myself or by other people. So maybe that’s what these two faceless men represent, the feeling that I’m allowing myself to be held down by something and my subconscious is telling me that I need to hack away at everything I feel is holding me back here in order to move on or excel or just not be emotionally broken anymore or whatever. Fair enough. And I actually did hack away at one thing almost a month ago now which has made life here substantially easier, so who knows.
The final interpretation of subconsciously stabbing somebody I was able to dig was, and I quote;
A serious sign that something is going wrong in your life, or you fear something will.
….but why poke a sleeping bear right?
Of course this could all be one giant crock of sh*t topped off with a large quantity of BS. A lot of dream analysis is about personal interpretation, and with most things in life half the time it comes down to wanting to see or believe something badly enough that we
end up making it that way.
– Revisited Post –
I wrote this post almost 4 months ago (the current date is March 26, 2014), and then much like most of the things I write, never made it public. Mostly because I stopped having the dreams and so forgot about it. But reading through, I think there’s a fair bit of quality stuff to be found within it, and so here I am, finally posting it.
However just to reiterate; I no longer dream about being swallowed whole by killer whales or hacking people to bits. Just wanted to throw that one out there.